This morning, I so wanted to stay in bed a little longer, but Dylan wanted up. So I got up. I picked him up. I changed him. I nursed him. I changed him again. He was wide-awake and ready to play, so I told myself to knock it off and buck up. None of this romanticizing about my bed any longer – I had a kid to take care of, a child, a real live human being who needed me. Serious stuff. I couldn’t toy with the idea of sleep any more, else I nod off like a narcoleptic college student in a vast lecture hall. I felt an urge inside to pout. The child within was stomping her foot, crossing her arms, and beginning to whine. Again? He needs me again? I was up all night with him! I’m tired! He’s clean, warm, fed – what else does he want from me? He’s taken away my freedom to drink wine with reckless abandon and now he wants my precious sleep as well!?! I was ready to revolt. Start a mutiny. Put my foot down.
But then he sneezed. Three times in a row. And started laughing at himself. It was hilarious. So I scooped him, kissed him like crazy, and decided to move him to the floor for him to punch and kick at the jungle gym. It was while I was lying there, next to him, that a line from one of my favorite movies popped into my head: “Enough. Enough.”
It’s from that scene in Love, Actually, when the character, Mark, who is in love with his best friend’s wife, Juliet, shows up at their flat on Christmas to serenade her with recorded carolers, and he confesses his love for her. When he’s finished, she rushes up to him and kisses him, in what I’ve always interpreted to mean thank you so much – that was lovely and flattering, but I’m in love with my husband, so enough with this infatuation. And he responds to her kiss with “Enough. Enough.”
Personally, I never really liked that story line in the film, but finally, I think I understand the sentiment behind his words. I think he was speaking from a place of loneliness, or, at least, the dark corner inside your heart where loneliness resides. At times like that, when the beauty or responsibility of life overwhelm you, and you realize that you will never be able to contain, capture, accomplish it all, you soak up whatever morsel of goodness there is and you place it in your heart and know that it is enough, enough to sustain you.
Now, it may seem a little weird to be comparing the romantic love of the film to the motherly love I feel for Dylan, but stay with me a minute. The connection is that lying next to Dylan, no matter how much I’d rather be sleeping, is enough, enough to fill my heart, to sustain me. And try as I might, I know I will not be able to keep Dylan little forever. One day, he will grow up and move away, and the twists and turns of his life may never lead him back to me. So I need to be ready, with an arsenal of beautiful moments to sustain me throughout the loneliness. I’m starting now. I’m not going to complain about losing sleep anymore because I have serious work to do, lots of sneezes and laughs to add to my collection of face grabs and babbles (and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep).
Kelley & Kara – get ready – we can start watching Love, Actually again on November 13th, at six weeks ‘til Christmas.